A Cautionary Tale

M was a roommate of mine. On Withers Street, within reach of the BQE, towering above Strega Nonna's vegetable garden, he lived in a shabby sheet two bedroom apartment, with peeling linoleum and cockroaches in the sink. It was obvious he was sad, but so was I; I thought we would help one another. And for a time, perhaps we did.

The first night was walk up hot and I felt nowhere, alone and itchy. Angela stayed all night and in the morning we all had breakfast together at the Kellogg Diner. I started finding affinity in this quirky neighborhood already. And every night after work, M and I would drink 40 oz beers and eat mangos and watch 7th Heaven or the Gilmore Girls.

We were both spiraling out and down, but he presented well to the outside world, worked hard, then came home to smoke bowls and eat burritos in bed. It becamse an addict's apartment and I hid in my room, smoking, stealing peanut butter, writing all night because I had nothing else. I wanted desperately to be something but felt less than ever like a real person.

M wandered ghostly in the mornings while I layed awake and waited for him to be gone. I sailed to beaches on the outskirts of Brooklyn in a borrowed Volvo that drove so well. We hardly met after that. I owed him money. He would not clean. Bugs became a problem and when the toilet clogged and I called up the landlord, he saw the state of things and demanded that we go.

What other choice did I have? We divided our books on Buddhism and lesser vehicles, such as Against Nature, which we both enjoyed. I wrote M a check we both knew would bounce. We never saw each other after that. I moved in with my boyfriend in a much better neighborhood, a few stops on the G train away from SANE and SAME.

I heard he's gone. completely away. forever. And I think it could have been me. I'm sad. I try not to make the same mistake. I am the living one, the lucky one, I guess. How can two such smart and sensitive people fall so slowly on their own swords? I am able to be more chances. But those Williamsburg babies could have tried harder, could have tried harder if we did.