A New Year

There is darkness around the edges, fear and anger I haven't expelled. I am better at breathing and action. I am trying to be more gentle with myself. But in some ways I feel the same as always. An adorable failure, falling ever farther behind my peer group. I want to buy a house and dig deep to make room for roots and stay and grow and build, down and up and up. I want to be the still point and strong center, who makes my family feel safe and protected. I want to create lovely things. And connect. And radiate so much love and compassion. I need more peace. I need more therapy and more dancing. What happened to dancing. I need a babysitter. And time away. For myself. I need to write more. And captain my fate. I need sobriety and transcendence of self-pity, for suffering is never going away, not until I die. And now, with Violet, I want that to not be for a long time. So I need a real retirement plan. But, first, a career. And stock advice. And confidence. And new boots. Is that a resolution? Buy good boots. There, that's it. Just be better already.