We have each other this morning

I'm accepting slimy blueberries from her snotty, sticky fingers. They taste extra sweet.

In the Dark

I was miserable when I arrived. Beyond tired. Nerves frayed. Cracking up. Not sure I could face this city or anyone in it. But there is something so reassuring about the grime and anonymity. Being here conforms the fact that everything I said I did I actually lived. Which seems more like fiction lately. But I have walked here. Being back is more comforting than I would have thought.

Malcolm, once again, pointed out that I am always unhappy after the first year of being somewhere new. And I was trying so hard to be normal, happy, etc. I still can't figure out why I can't figure anything out. Shouldn't I have a business idea or a novel bursting forth? What is the matter with me?

I'm in the dark in our weird hotel room. Violet is sleeping, white noise blasting. This is the most I've been alone and quiet in so long. I tried to bank solitude. I knew it wouldn't be easy. Except in some ways it is. Being with her, being her mom, is the most unforced thing I've ever done. Watching her delight in the while world - and the whole world delights back - is the very best feeling.

I do want to excel for her, to be confident, high functioning, and most of all, what I wished most of all for her, happy. I keep thinking that maybe I'm closer. But I suffer from terrible setbacks and crises of faith. I vow to make a more concerted effort to make myself into the person I should be. I want to live a lovely life. It won't begin when I'm ready. Here we are. This is it. Fight!

A Very Nice Day Indeed

Yesterday I slept late. And when I awoke I jumped out of be and ran downstairs to find Violet and Malcolm curled up together on the couch. The living room was in shambles.Toys strewn everywhere. A lovely mess. We decided to go to Portland. I walked the dog in the strangely warm sunshine. Sorry, Earth. We drove to the mall and shopped, blithely. And ate crappy Chinese food. We poked in and out of stores and bought things we only sort of needed. No Christmas presents for anyone but us. Even though I really like getting gifts for others. Then, Target in all its splendor. In all, a much-needed self-indulgent and vacuous Wednesday. It was a very nice day indeed.

Sunday

We're all asleep in our own respective room, at noon in early gray December. Planning, dreaming, snoring, scheming. So quiet I can hear the refrigerator hum, the neighbor's chain saw, fingers strum over the sticking keyboard. My head is thick with clouded, quickening thoughts, my throat is closing, lips dry. Are we chasing change or dying?