So This Was Christmas 2010

the day after Christmas I couldn't get out of bed. I cried with the covers over my head and thought about running away. But where would I go? Despite a quiet, wonderful day with my husband and dog, getting eveything I couldpossibly want and more, I felt empty. And, for the first time in four years, I remembered why I wanted to move to Mexico. There were many reasons, really. Including being unable to find a career or vocation, the extended post college malais, mounting debts, and feeling bored, trapped and useless, there was the ardent desire to be estranged from my family. I hated them in their grief, their anger, their failure and miserable lives. And when I realized I could not wish them away, I decided to travel far from their depressing grasp. I thought I could espcape them. And I did, for a time. No one really knew where I was for a while. It felt amazing to be free. I didn't care if I was lost from them; they knew me not, so why should they interfere. Gradually, we spoke more, I felt left out of holidays, I missed their quirks. And I was happy to participate when we came home. I wanted to be part of a family again.

My family is nothing like me. And I am nothing like them. I hope. More than that, I must remember to be vigilant that I never inherit their terrible outlook and negative ways of life.

New Movement

tomorrow, I teach my first Nia class. I am going to lead a small group of women in dancing and joy. I hope I remember the steps. But I am so ready to take my place at the front of the studio.

the best words

syzygy
blithe
veracity
thistle
dwell
samovar
picaresque
sumptuous
quick
burrow

Lunar - Solstice

Tonight, after midnight, the moon will be eclipsed. It's also the shortest day of the year, tomorrow. Have I been affected adversely by the shortening of days? Have I been bright enough for myself and others? I wish to be so luminous, joyful and serene. I am trying to be better, and hope to renew these vows in the new year. This is going to be a spectacular season; it's snowing. I almost wrote, I am gratitude. And so, I suppose, I am. To the light! And here I sit snugly, safe in my house.

Of Shadows Said

is art more powerful than love, asked the poet.

stowed away in a tower, a stone house, a warren of writers and other madmen, will I become composed, edified, and finally glorious? But if that isn't the answer, can I conform, submit and not suffer. Wouldn't it be easier simply to love and be loved. An artist sorrows; but is a lover not also giving up power and ego for the greater good?

I just wish I were something, committed to a higher calling. half sick, I'm not here.

Flotation Devices

Maybe it's just Christmas. and absent ones. Maybe it's the surgical procedure that has left me barren and bereft. Well, not barren, but bothered. My body has betrayed me again. I want to stop the teeter-totter. upanddown, like Lily says. caffeine, ativan, alcohol. interspersed with vitamins, Nia, and quinoa. invoking balance.

Elementals

gnomes, undines, sylphs, and salamanders. earth, water, air, fire. How can I draw on these alchemical beings for inspiration and enlightenment? Wishing I could go swimming.